When I very first started homeschooling, Christopher was 4 years old, and I thought that everything should have a grade from the very beginning...WHOA! I found out my mistake pretty darn quick. I discovered anytime he was given a grade, that was all he would focus on. All desire for knowledge disappeared, and was a replaced with a burning desire for the highest grade. So I abandoned my "grades are necessary" mindset, and just let my kids learn.
Then I came across a book called "Punished By Rewards" by Alfie Kohn. I highly recommend it to teachers and parents everywhere. The subtitle is revealing: "The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and other Bribes." This book was a powerful argument proving with very well researched studies, that the more someone is rewarded externally, the more inner rewards and motivations are lessened. If we want people to do things for the right reasons, then we must let the internal rewards take place naturally without all our popular "Behavior Modificaiton" which is so popular in America as to be a religion. This book was a huge mind-opener to me, and I think I need to reread it. It is very difficult to get away from rewards when we are inundated with them our entire life. I think I've fallen back into the rewards mindset. Another point Kohn illustrates is that rewards and punishements ARE THE SAME THING!!! The Carrot and the stick are two sides of the same coin. Anytime you are promise a reward: "I'll take you to the park if you clean your room" there is an automatic punishment attached, even if it is an unspoken threat. "If you don't clean your room, you can't go to the park."
Today I came across this quote on the Charlotte Mason Education website which reminded me of this issue:
Charlotte's main concern was that the student's attention would become focused on the grades rather than the knowledge. If your student doesn't know about his or her grade, the focus should stay where it belongs—on the knowledge itself.
"Children come into the world with a few inherent desires, . . . the desire for power, for praise, for wealth, for distinction, for society and for knowledge. It seems to me that education which appeals to the desire for wealth (marks, prizes, scholarships or the like) or the desire of excelling (as in the taking of places, etc.), or to any other of the natural desires, except that for knowledge, destroys the balance of character, and, what is even more fatal, destroys by inanition that desire for and delight in knowledge which is meant for our joy and enrichment through the whole of life" (The Story of Charlotte Mason, p. 246).
If you are interested in more information, here is the discussion ideas I typed up 2 years ago when my book club read this book. It's pretty long.
“Mom I don’t want to go on the Monkey Bars....I have my rights!!!” –Christopher
QUESTIONS: FOOD FOR THOUGHT....
1. What did you think of the book? What was your initial reaction, your gut feeling? Did it change as you read further in the book? How did you feel towards the author?
2. What were you skeptical about? What did you have a difficult time accepting? What reservations do you still hold about his thesis?
3. What have you decided to try and change since reading this book? Have you been successful so far? Is it possible/doable to live without punishments and rewards?
4. Did you have any flashbacks of situations from you own life that are in harmony with his argument? What are they? Did reading this book make you look at your own past experiences with schooling/being a child/parenting/working in a different light?
A. As a child, resenting being manipulated...punishment engendered anger, mistrust, hate. Rewards engendered mistrust, people pleasing, mindless obedience.
B. As a student, requirements to become an honor student lessened my desires to volunteer vs. those who volunteer and do good on their own with NO rewards.
C. Rewarding my children for playing piano quickest way to diminish their interest in it for itself. All their focus was on what they were going to get. Christopher always asking “but what will I GET? What’s in it for me? What’s my reward?????”
D. All my reward chore charts backfired. Whining meter created more whining. Care bear meter engendered more resentment and worry/stress. My new method of doing things is housework for housework’s sake. Doing it for it’s natural reward. Family teamwork, planning, partnership...natural rewards... more time, playing games, good feelings.
E. Potty training for treats vs. the big girl feeling, internal rewards.
F. Giving an answer/reason for what we ask our children to do, instead of demanding blind obedience. We want our children to think for themselves and gain testimonies of things for their own sakes!
G. IN school, focusing on A’s instead of the process/joy/love of learning.
H. Scott’s family...the more overt the reward, the more the punishment
5. Did it scare you how much our American culture is based on the idea of “Do this and you’ll get that”?
6. Is there something you were rewarded to do as a child? What happened when the rewards ran out? Something you were punished NOT to do...DID IT WORK??? Did you lose weight or earn that promotion, or did you lose steam and interest?
7. Have you ever been praised, then doubted yourself? Been annoyed, felt pressure?
8. Are we trying to control someone’s behavior for our own convenience???
IDEAS FROM THE BOOK, QUOTES AND THOUGHTS....
1. BEHAVIORISM – very scary to think we can raise our children like the family Dog. SKINNER obviously didn’t believe in GOD(atheism). He believed we were all products of our environment, and had NO CHOICE OR AGENCY. Very deeply disturbing to think so much of his ideas go unchallenged.
2 External rewards encourage our children in schools to take the easy way out. Cheat, lie, fake, anything to get the grade and recognition. Extrinsic rewards diminish instrinsic motivation. “Long term change of the kind we want is not effected by manipulating people’s behavior with incentives”
3. Carrots and sticks are the same thing. The carrot is in the Stick! Rewards punish.
4. Competition makes a fellow human being your enemy.
5. We are learning all the time. Saying you have to do your math homework to get a t.v. show implies that the homework is the undesired chore to get rid of for your reward of play. You just taught your kid math is not worth doing for it’s own sake.
6. “Rewards are usually experienced as controlling, and we tend to recoil from situations where our autonomy has been diminished....all of us have a basic desire to feel self determining...we need to maintain a measure of control over our own destiny, to have some choice about what happens to us...
How does the evidence in this book fit into our view of the Gospel???
“Teach them Correct Principles and let them Govern themselves” –Joseph Smith
We know that God is a perfect, righteous being and Father. He uses Rewards and Punishments...but does he use them they way we do? How does he use them? We try to pattern everything we do and are in parenting and life to be like our Father in heaven...but can we tranlate this paradigm without altercation, or should we keep in mind that we are not all knowing, all seeing beings, but imperfect, fallible, and weak.
Heavenly Father’s gift of Agency....
( we are enticed by two opposing forces, each with its own attached blessings and consequences.)
We make these decisions, he does not manipulate us, but persuades and entices and blesses and warns. He makes statements of truth, not threatnings. We are in a state to ACT and not to be ACTED UPON.
Does Heavenly Father bless RIGHT AWAY in the face of our decisions? Does he PUNISH right away for our misbehavior? Or does he let life do a little teaching? If he were to immediately bless and punish, it would completely destroy our agency. We would have no need for faith. It would be Satan’s plan. God’s plan is more delayed gratification. We have promised blessings attached to his commandments, statements of fact and warnings based on divine law, and much much of teaching, pleading, repenting, patience, and long suffering.
***But I’ve discovered in trying to implement some of these ideas in the book that there must be LAWS and punishments (consequences) affixed in the home to keep the spirit(or you get chaos!!!), and to teach children to obey God’s laws...but it must be a unanimous family vote/acceptance for it to be effective. Before childen can understand reason, sometimes a blessing or consequence must be immediate to teach them right away, until they are able to understand the reasons behind WHY we do what we do. Even before they can handle it, talk about it and teach it to them, then they grow into it. The older they are the more they must listen to their inner voice/ Conscience/ and not rely on the outward actions of teachers /mom and Dad for what they should or shouldn’t do.
2 Ne 9:25 “Wherefore, he has given a law; and where there is no law, there is no punishment, and where there is no punishment there is no condemnation; and where there is no condemnation the mercies of the Holy One of Israel have claim upon them, because of the atonement; for they are delivered by the power of him.”
Punishments/ Rewards: the lesser law (the 10 commandments, God’s warnings to the wicked)
Love/logic/reason: the higher law, ( the inward mind, heart, vessel, spirit, Doing things for the right reasons!!! 2 NE 9: 48 “Behold if you were holy, I would speak unto you of holiness, but as ye are not holy, and ye look upon me as a teacher, it must needs be expedient that I teach you the consequences of sin.” It is the wicked and hard hearted that are spoken strongly against with warnings.
***Do you really think God wants to be surrounded by people who obeyed the commandments, because they were only totally focused on the REWARDS???(i.e. themselves and selfish desires) (I’m going to get a big mansion in heaven and walk on streets of gold and get whatever I want if I just keep on paying my tithing and doing my duty, etc, etc, I’ll do THIS so I can get THAT (Not everyone who says “Lord Lord” will enter the kingdom)
***Or is our Savior hoping that we can be engaged in a good cause for good’s sake. “Anxiously engaged in a good cause, bringing to pass much righteousness) Loving your neighbor for their sake. Serving in the Temple out of love, not the expectation of reward. Becoming our Savior’s trustworthy friends in wanting to do good because they loved righteousness, love people, love God.
2 Nephi 2:13-14 “And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness and if there be no righteousness there be no happiness and if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not, there is no God. And If there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore all things must have vanished away. And now my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.
2 Nephi 2:25-26 “Adam fell that man might be, and men are that they might have joy. And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of times that he may redeem the children of men form the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil: to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath Given.
**If we are here to act, and not to be acted upon, shouldn’t we be more careful how we “act on” other people? Are we trying to help and teach them, or control them for our gratification? Are we building a model based on God or Satan’s force, coercion, seduction....?
EXTERNAL REWARDS VS. INTERNAL REWARDS...external rewards diminish our ability to perceive the internal rewards. What happens when we become DEPENDENT on external rewards for service, tithing, missions, education... (verily I say unto you...they have their reward)
The author talks a lot about UNCONDITIONAL LOVE vs. you have my love, approval IF YOU DO THIS... “Some things ought to be made available unconditionally” Did God do this, yes! Some unconditional. Other’s conditional...
