It isn't easy being THIRD

It Isn't Easy Being THIRD!

Duckie is the classic third child...and a perfectionist to boot! That makes for some very unhappy moments at our house. I feel so bad for her, and yet I struggle to know how to help it get better.

Einstein and Louisa share the position of oldest child. They can both be power-hungry, ambitious, bossy older kids. They are very good at leading out, and they want everything to go their way. (Clash of the Titans!) When it comes to schooling, they are very closely matched in ability. Partly because Louisa was so advanced in learning to do things such as read, write, and draw at a very early age, Duckie has had a lot to compare herself to for years. Duckie is 5, and learning well how to write, read, and do math at kindergarten levels, but she is continually comparing herself to Louisa and Einstein which isn't good for her self-image! Add into that the fact being treated as a virtual "slave" by big sister (c'mon, all you big siblings out there know what I mean "give me that marker!" "hand me the remote!" etc etc)

Duckie's favorite ride at the State Fair

For example, she wants to draw or write something similar to what they are doing. When her attempt fails, she'll cry in despair. Then she'll ask for help, but if anyone does something that wasn't in her "perfect picture" idea of what it was suppose to look like, then she falls apart even more. A common scene at my house would be something like, "Could you please draw a tail on my animal?" We do so, and then she yells in betrayal "NO! NOT like THAT!" and then the crying begins again.
Duckie loves her blankie as much as Linus in Peanuts

The phrase Duckie says often during the day is "Mom, I have to tell you something" She prefaces almost every comment with that statement. But she often gets talked over, so now she cries if it is not quiet and calm when she is trying to talk to me, because she just feels run over and pushed aside. It's hard growing up with 5 kids to NOT feel like that, no matter what spot you are in the birth order.
Duckie gets to be Luigi for her 5th birthday party

The older two kids get lots of attention during homeschool while we do projects and assignments. Jewel and Angel get lots of attention throughout the day as they are the youngest and most dependent with continual demanding needs. Duckie just kind of gets lost in the shuffle between these two worlds. Not big enough for the older set, but not young enough to be with the babies. Caught in the middle she reaches for what the older two are doing, but then is crushed when she falls short. Then she gets impatient with being categorized with the younger crew. It's a hard thing to take. She often does enjoy being "missed," though. She usually disapears quietly into the bathroom to make potions with various bathroom ingredients. She's very good at just "hanging out" with the older kids....literally (see in your mind's eye two older kids quietly reading books while she plays like a monkey hanging from the bunkbed) She wants to be with them ALL the time, but she often can't do what they do, so she'll make up her own thing.

Yay it's a squid! A squishy squid, what I always wanted for my birthday!

She has several gifts at which she excels, but it's hard to get her to appreciate them, because she thinks its no big deal. She is a WHIZ when it comes to scissors. She can cut out anything well, no matter how small! She draws little figures, colors them, and then cuts them out to play with them all over the house. She is also the most amazing natural gymnast. I think if she were the only child of wealthy parents, she could be an olympic gymnast!

See Duckie in the blue dress catapulting of the edge of the stage for the grande finale

Maybe it's more her perfectionism than the third child syndrome that causes so much tears at our house. Everything has to be "perfect" the way she wants it or you get lots and lots of crying. Whether it's her clothes that don't fit right, or her sandwich cut the wrong way, or her cup not matching her plate, we see lots of tears over little things. Either she's incredibly perfectionistic, or the emotional trauma of being a middle child is getting to her. (either way I'm hoping she grows out of it) The way I've been dealing with the increase in meltdowns is this: On the days that she has uncontrollable fits of crying and screaming when things don't go her way, she has to take a nap, end of story. Her verbal coping skills have improved tremendously! So we are definitely seeing some improvement!

Duckie likes to wear her goggles just for fun.

She is filled with all kinds of fears and worries. She is always worried about being left behind. She thinks I'm leaving her all time, even when I assure her I'm taking care of something else and will be right back for her. Everyone is always moving fast while she is slowly making sure that the seams on her socks don't touch her toes! (everything MUST be perfect) And then we're all in the car, and she's still getting on her shoes crying "Don't leave without me!" *so sad!*

Duckie's favorite hair-do a "duckie dinosaur hair crest"

But then there is the other side of the picture! She gets to do fun things with the older kids, like go on school field trips and stay up to watch movies. And then she gets to have MUCH less chores than the older two. And sure, sometimes Mom makes her take a nap with the 3 year old, but then she also gets to play and watch movies with the babies while the older kids are working. Depending on her mood, she can play her cards to be treated like a "big kid" or a "little kid" depending on which view helps her achieve her current goals more. She's a master manipulater of the system!

So it all evens out, right?

I was very very glad to be a middle child growing up. And even more glad that I got to share the middle space with my sister, Mary. It was a comfortable place to be, most of the time. And it was nice that as each kid "flew the nest", we all got the chance to play the role of oldest child. That was a valuable experience for me!

Time has flown so fast, look how little she used to be!

But for right now, I know I need to make a real effort to spend more quality time with Duckie. I need to put other things on hold and do what She wants to do, and help her feel more validated in everything she does and says. Having child #5 has stretched me and stretched me past what I thought I could bear. There is more going on than I can personally handle. I'm a bit of a control-freak, and it unnerves me that there are gaping holes in my household that I just can't tend to. I worry all the time that sweet sensitive Duckie is falling through those holes. I hope I won't ever let that happen!

Duckie at our family reunion just after she had crashed another girl's birthday party, eating 2 pieces of their pizza wihout asking. She thought their party was our reunion.